Monday, 30 May 2011

Mood swings, Panic Attacks - That Old Black Dog and Me

I have always thought that, as a diabetic of nigh on fifty three years, my condition has been as much a blessings as a curse. Without the strict regime that I have tried to adhere to I would not be virtually the same weight and shape I was at eighteen. As conditions/diseases go it is easy to manage IF you are strong willed and determined.
One thing that has not been so easy to manage, and something that has grown worse in recent years, are my mood swings. This has always caused me to question my self. Am I the monster that I seem? After all I can be horrid to those I love when my mood changes from placid to near psychotic. I become bad mannered and cruel saying things that I later regret. Sadly, once a thing is said it can never be retracted.
I recently learnt that these mood swings, these black depressions may be linked to my diabetes and as daft as it may sound that comes with some reassurance. After all, it is not me but my condition that drives these unpleasant changes. Of course that is no excuse and I still have to struggle to control this side of my nature but at least I know that I am not the monster I once thought I was becoming.

Go here for more info on diabetes and mood swings

Here is my take on how it feels when the panic attacks begin...

I feel the white space of emptiness stretch before me; a dull weight that burdens my hours with relentless phobias. The spark I seek flees down caustic wires, cackling as if Lucrezia Borgia was running from the scene of a murder. A dark sense of constant foreboding haunts me, shadows flitting over damp walls, frail spectres with vicious words that fill the head with cobweb fears. I know they are such but still the irrational thoughts persist. The smothering duvet that wraps it evil self around my face and head, the shower that drags me down into a swirling oblivion. All the childhood notions, the childish, dismissed notions return with hammer hard blows that attack my psyche every time I think of situations that I cannot find solutions for: my marriage failure, the stony end to my career, my lack of success with finding a publisher. All these things can be resolved one way or another but for now they take on the size of monsters that prowl and devour what little confidence I have left.
We are animals still and no matter how we try and convince ourselves otherwise we are captive to our emotional response’s far more than our intellectual processes.
How I wish, at times, I could close my eyes and sleep the eternal sleep. That of course is selfish, self pitying, self centred and cowardly. I cannot run from my responsibilities or the love for my family but sometimes to shut my eyes on those vile days would be very good.

all words and art are copyright © of C.J. Duffy.


lakeviewer said...

Interesting information.

anonant said...

Hey CJ!
It is in overcoming this animal even if it is only occasionally that we truly see ourselves as what we are with eyes clear enough for the gaining of perspective to begin.

piece or is it pieces

Hope you are well at this specific moment.

C.J. Duffy said...

lakeviewer>>>Interesting perhaps but I hope it doesn't present me as some whinging wet wipe of a man. I am also a total lunatic, a practical joker who loves life most of the time.

Perfect Virgo said...

It's a horrible set of emotions and I'm sure you're right, ineveitably they have their roots in chemical shifts.

Whinging wet wipe? Not the CJ I know! Lunatic, very possibly!

C.J. Duffy said...

Anonant>>>I take those words on board for the postive attitude they present. Thanks.

Shadow Lor said...

I deeply empathize. Throwing off the cage that is epic mood swings is nigh on impossible, yeah? (voids are no longer voids if one is in it; we are creators of worlds)

I'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts presently. There is a point I'm trying to make, a message I need to impart, but I'm having a hard time expressing it.

The fact that you thought yourself a monster makes you one of the best of us. Opportunity, yeah? Opportunity is ever present (glass walls notwithstanding), you have found an answer.

I'm sorry. My mind is jumbled. It's hard to speak.

ryn: be not jealous of what you see before you. I present costume jewelry in place of diamonds. Although the compliment is deeply appreciated ♥

C.J. Duffy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
C.J. Duffy said...

Shad>>>You take care of you hon as I am a tough old fart. I am in no position to preach to you but try and keep happy. Fight for the right to be happy and when the dark shuffles in huge and horrible cling to the fact that it will pass.


Sharon Amber Damnable said...


I was wondering why you didn't reply to me message, no wonder feeling like this!

I know you are a toughy but I hope your dark days fade away

x :>)

C.J. Duffy said...

Sharon>>>They will, all things pass and so do my horrid moods.

Sharon Amber Damnable said...

Sharon Amber Damnable said...

............jellyfish don't

C.J. Duffy said...

Fortunately or not, depensding on your viewpoint, I am not a jellyfish!


Sharon Amber Damnable said...

No you are not a jelly fish!

But your chi or life force is energy:

In physics, energy (from Greek ἐνέργεια - energeia, "activity, operation", from ἐνεργός - energos, "active, working"[1]) is a quantity that is often understood as the ability to perform work. This quantity can be assigned to any particle, object, or system of objects as a consequence of its physical state.
Different forms of energy include kinetic, potential, thermal, gravitational, sound, elastic and electromagnetic energy. The forms of energy are often named after a related force. German physicist Hermann von Helmholtz established that all forms of energy are equivalent — energy in one form can disappear but the same amount of energy will appear in another form.[2] A restatement of this idea is that energy is subject to a conservation law over time.
Any form of energy can be transformed into another form. When energy is in a form other than thermal energy, it may be transformed with good or even perfect efficiency, to any other type of energy............

dr.alistair said...

hmmm. dhea helped my trip with mood swings and recovering from my ex wife`s insistance that i take ssri medications 12 years ago.

diet is the key though, miss a meal and the darkness descends....

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A Utility Fish Shed Blog

A Utility Fish Shed Blog