Thursday, 28 February 2013

Mumps. Mother and Shrunken Genitalia (Living With Mum 5)

The other night Mum, with concerned look on her face turned to me. Judging by the furrowed brow that ploughed heavy lines across her forehead the thought must, I assumed, be of momentous proportions.
   “Are your testes smaller than average?”
   The coke I had nonchalantly being sipping took a left at my throat, circumnavigated the usual route liquids take, flooded down then up my windpipe before gushing out my nose. To say I was startled by the temerity of the question is putting it mildly.
    “I beg your pardon” I sputtered huskily.
    Mum rustled the page of the magazine she was reading.
   “It says here in my ‘Woman’s Own’ that men who had mumps as children are prone to having small testes as a result.”
    “I see.” said I hoping my attempt at mild indifference might deflect her from pursuing this line of interrogation. A moment of quiet descended on proceedings. Mum looked again at her magazine as though it were a medical encyclopaedia. I shoved my finger in my ear then waggled it about a bit trying to look cool and collected.
    “Well?” said Mum not in the least perturbed by my act.
    “Well what?”
    “Are yours smaller than they should be?”
    I could tell it at this point that nothing I did or said would get me out of answering this question, unless…
    “Not that I’ve noticed. Shall we examine them?”
    Mum flushed scarlet then looked abashed. I scratched my forehead.
    “Sorry son, I wasn’t thinking. I just wondered as you had mumps as a child and that often leads to infertility.”
    “No problem.” I said not wishing to linger longer on the subject and politely ignoring the portrait hanging on the wall over her head depicting my four children.
    This isn’t the first case of motherly concern escalating to paranoid proportions. Not so long ago, whilst shopping in M and S, we, that is Mum, Squid, Tweezil, Chelsea Blue and me, having been hauled around the ladies underwear department viewing voluminous knickers with reinforced gussets, had decamped to the café.
    Teas, cokes, cakes and biscuits purchased we sat down at table munching, crunching and guzzling away to hearts content. Mum suddenly announced through what seemed to me at the time a loud hailer that I, when breast feeding used to snort like ‘a little piggy.’
    I didn’t mind my children learning of my infant feeding habits but would rather the other thirty or so diners, chortling behind their napkins, hadn’t. It goes without saying I have never returned to that branch of M and S since.

all words and art are copyright © of Russell 'C.J' Duffy.To view my books on Amazon/Kindle go here: -- For another side of CJ go here: sOMeThiNg For tHE wEeKeND, SiR?


masterymistery said...

Highly entertaining, thanks.

BTW, if you don't mind my asking, how are the results from amazon/kindle? Selling many? I published an e-book to amazon a couple of years back, price 50 cents. Not one single sale.

masterymistery at
cosmic rapture

Russell Duffy said...

Hi mate, no, I don't mind you asking. I sold some but not enough. I used the little money I made to pay for a website and some other stuff.

Tempest Nightingale LeTrope said...

Ah, mothers! I try not to do this sort of thing to my poor son.
Though I will reveal that when my son was an infant, if the "feed supply" was not flowing fast enough, he would bang his head against my chest!

Russell Duffy said...

Ha ha. Well you are a bit of a head banger yourself what with all that Metallica

Vanessa V Kilmer said...

Hysterical. My daughter and I do this sort of thing on purpose to see people's reactions. Once while standing in a grocery store check out line, my daughter asked me if I had "borrowed" her cocaine. I said, "yes as I ran out of my own stash and needed to finish the dishes." The old lady behind us was bug-eyed.

Russell Duffy said...

Nessa>>>I bet she was bug eyed. It's funny the way people are so poh faced about things. I once, in a crowded café, told my infant first born who was siiting in a highh chair that if she didn't behave I would break her legs. I must have had the same old lady as you for this one also went bug eyed!

Vanessa V Kilmer said...

Most people have no real sense of humor. ;)

Nicole Braganza said...

This is hilarious!

Russell Duffy said...

Nessa>>>Sadly true.

Russell Duffy said...

Nicole>>>Glad you liked it. Good to see you here again!

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twh said...

awwww, piglet!