Sunday, 1 November 2015

My Male Malaise - The Judgement of Family - Frightful Friends



"Just until things settle down." -2012

"Looking specifically at male suicide rates, the 45 to 59 age group registered the highest suicide rate out of any age group at 25.1 deaths per 100,000 - the highest rate since 1981. The ONS also note that the rate among 60 to 74 year old males rose significantly from the previous year, to 14.5 per 100,000 in 2013."

My appalling behaviour begs no reasons but offers only excuses.

"45 to 59 year olds most likely to take their own lives with 'heavy drinking, self-harm and a refusal to seek help' often to blame."

A friend of mine from across the pond said I needed to get over 'it.' I have. And by that I mean, as was the implication, that I have got over my marriage breakdown. I also said I wouldn't write anymore cringe worthy posts on those events. I won't.

However, getting over it is not the problem. Getting over my actions, the things I did, the things that I feel so deeply ashamed off, those that left me riddled with guilt and a remorse I find hard to shift are the source of my current mind-set.

"A brave man once requested me
To answer questions that are key
Is it to be or not to be
And I replied 'oh why ask me?'"
 
My wife needs offer no explanation for how hurt she feels or how she no longer loves me. I do not blame her. There are others, two to speak off who I also hurt. One I know for a fact I did. He is blameless. I was obsessed at the time with events happening in my life and said and wrote things about him I shouldn't. Being a man of courage and of dignity he spoke to me saying his piece. I reacted badly to what he said for what he said I knew to be true. I was at fault not he, The other, living now on an Island of Princes, is less a man than the average toad. His silence in the face of my apologies is less Queen like and more committed . He is a coward. I have no wish to have him as friend even though I'd give my eye teeth to be friends with the other man I mentioned.
 
I cannot believe my own stupidity. The hours I spend now are without joy. Dark days observing a loved one slip slowly from this life. Some nights spent in total darkness in the living room as she refuses to sleep in her bed for fear of what might happen if she did.
 
I am deeply ashamed of how I behaved during that protracted period. For the pain I caused her whom I love most even if some members of my extended family have warned me off from trying to bring my wife and I together again. I have no intention of doing any such thing. I would, however, like to be her friend and would like to live again in the home I lived in for thirty odd years. Is that also wrong?  And no, she doesn't, never has read this blog so she won't see this. I am not so shallow as to tempt her back through such subterfuge.
 
Buddhists believe you must first forgive yourself. I am sorry Buddhists that is an almost impossible thing to do. I cannot forgive myself and that is why I some times seem unable to 'get over it.' 
 
Such fanciful ideas from those who know but little. Such fanciful ideas from those seeking sympathy at the cost of others.
 
"I really don't want this." - 2008
 
I didn't care. I really believed what my head was telling me was true. That I was no longer loved. That I was being marginalised; pushed out from the bosom of my family. It all seemed so real to me that rather than seek professional help I transferred my guilt onto her who was guiltless. And even then, as my abusiveness grew still she showed me kindness. Buying me foot salve for my cracked heels, Lucozade in case I needed it. Aftershave as by way of a holiday gift even though I refused to go on holiday with any of my family.
 
"How long is this going to last?" - 2009
 
I AM THE MONSTER
THE MONSTER IS ME
 
Such shame, such a burden of guilt. My mother-in-law used to say, 'You've made your bed now lie in it.' Oh but mum it is such an awfully hard bed.
 
 
 
 
 
 

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Russell Cuts the Corn From The Brewers Whiskers.

2 comments:

Cara H said...

In many ways I despise the whole "get over it" culture. There is a quote by Keanu Reeves, which I think is a wise one. "Grief changes shape, but it never ends."
I think one should be allowed to write "cringe-worthy" posts in one's own space and I don't think anyone else has a right to be a dick about it.
There is one person that I wish I could be friends with again, but I said some rather unkind things about her a few years back, and although she accepted my apology, she has not communicated with me since. I felt it best to leave her alone.
There is another who was unkind for me and for the longest time I wished to repair things. Then I came to the realization that he is a pathetic little man, and I don't want to waste my grief over such a person. Still, it's somewhat too bad. We worked well together.
Depression is a tough thing. I tend to overextend myself and then crash. People who haven't experienced it simply don't understand.

Russell Duffy said...

Cara>>>The person who said to get over it was right in this case and said it with the best of intentions. I have no complaint with her at all. I think some say it, unlike this person, as a jibe. There is no getting over your mistakes unless those you wronged forgive you. I know the man you speak of. He is scared of depression and dismisses because he fears it. That way makes it easier for him to deal with the problem. He put you down due to his own phobias. No excuse for being bad mannered or intolerant though. The preson who told me to get over it is kindness itself. She meant well. x