From within comes a sense of perversity. Seeing things with a jaundiced eye. I wonder sometimes at my nature. What makes me what I am? Have the things I have done been part and parcel of me or the cause of outside influences, nature or nurture? I tend to think one is a ready made excuse for bad behaviour and yet, having said that, the appalling way I behaved to her who I claimed to love most was at best an exaggeration of all my nasty ways made momentously large.
I find I still have moments when my obsessions take hold. I of course fight that tendency but I know it is there. It is with some sadness that I see upon reflection friends who I have lost after allowing that side of what strikes me as a complex characteristic to surface. I lost my wife, my dearest friend too, and all for an insane need to express things that seemed at the time of gigantic proportions, things that, with hindsight, I shared the same opinion yet conversely berated them about.
Those friends, now nearly all gone from my life, some sorely missed, can never be forgotten. Once a friend, always a friend. That said, the loyalty that formed my nature often flew from me when those dark moods visited. Not depression I think, something other, something slippery but inflexible, a madness consuming concerns before twisting them out of shape until the form they took when manifested was an utter abhorrence to me.
There are friends now, relatively new, who mean such a lot to me. They seem able, as do I, to accept differences, are less judgemental, more forgiving of those times when I, filled with hurt turned to rage said things I later regretted. I find now, belatedly perhaps, a new love for them.
It is the silly things, little things, that can excite in me a response to some perceived wrong being committed. When I look back at that which seemed wrong then, and still does, is, after allowing a space of some hours to pass, less wrong, more acceptable and with the ability to analyse it, not so important.
These friends matter. Others who have judged and then effected judgement upon me should be seen for what they are, what they always were, self righteous. Who needs people like that? They don't matter at all. Those that offer friendship when the goings good only to turn tail and flee at the first sign of unpleasantness are not true friends at all..
. Russell Cuts the Corn From The Brewers Whiskers.