Saturday, 21 March 2015

The Village Tales of Fekenham Swarberry - UNPUBLISHED WORK - Book Four - The Politics of Turnips - Part Two 'Departures' - Chapter Seventeen 'Fekenham Gazette'



November 2007


Fekenham Headmistress Resigns

Much to the shock of Fekenham Senior School’s staff and board, Verity Lambush, the long-serving Headmistress has tendered her resignation. Mrs Ramhard, as she now is, first joined the newly-built senior school in September 1974 as a maths teacher. Always a diligent individual, she soon proved herself to be a cut above the rest. She was appointed Headmistress in 1985, some 22 (twenty two) years ago. In a career spanning 33 years Miss Lambush, as virtually all who knew her still call her, was a ferocious advocate of discipline ensuring a no-nonsense approach tempered with fairness was applied at all times.

Her resignation was tendered some weeks ago but has been kept secret until now as the school board wanted the opportunity to persuade the highly esteemed head to remain in her post. Sadly, as ever with such a strong-willed advocate, this has not been achieved and Verity Lambush will be leaving. However, following on from several meetings with the school board, Miss Lambush will remain until a new head has been appointed.

Likely candidates for this post include Bertram Ballbanger, the current head of sport; Basil Gringlehop, maths teacher and Primrose Heathernip. Mister Gringlehop appears to be the most likely choice to succeed as he is currently the acting Deputy Head. Miss Heathernip of course has, in many parents’ opinions, besmirched her flawless record somewhat when she took her clothes off in Fekenham High Street during the recent riots.

As Julie Twist put it: “No one wants to pay more tax but nor do they want to see one of the teaching staff frolicking around baring all. I wouldn’t have given a fig if truth be told but she hadn’t even waxed.”

Mrs Ramhard, nee Lambush, was unavailable for comment but indications thus far are that she may pursue a career in politics.


Another sad departure is the passing of Maurice Tinkercuss senior. Mister Tinkercuss, late of Mildew Terrace and father to Maurice Junior the Fekenham Postman, Milkman and part tine fireman, will of course be remembered not only for his devout vegetarianism but more importantly as the Head Librarian of Muckleford Library.

Maurice was a devout vegetarian attending many marches during the 1960’s in protest against what he and others described as ‘Meat is Murder.’ Maurice was character of note, one who in his day job as librarian ran Muckleford Library with dedication and passion even if he did at times upset people with his ‘silence is golden rule’ whereby fines were issued if anyone made a sound within the library’s walls. Councilman and second hand car dealer Victor Clapp indicated a more liberal approach in future.

Mister Tinkercuss senior was 76 years old and will be fondly remembered by both the villagers of Fekenham and the townsfolk of Muckleford. R.I.P.



Fifteen year old Billy Twist scored a hat trick for Winchester reserves at the weekend when his team whitewashed local rivals Bournemouth five nil. Young Billy showed remarkable skill and promises to make a fine first team member of Winchester FC in due course.




Marie Leno


the pinehill club


Music hall legend, now entering her centenary year, celebrates her career with an hour’s worth of bawdy entertainment featuring such classic songs as “she sits among her cabbages and peas,” and “slip me a large one.”


The Soft Room
For Gentleman
£5 introductory offer
Fekenham 666999
Ask for Anais Sin



Our cat Poostick is still missing. If you see him please contact Vera Puddle at the Kings Head in Muckleford.
There is a £10 reward


Russell Cuts the Corn From The Brewers Whiskers.

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