They would have you believe, those austere, prim and proper Victorians, that sex only happened behind tightly closed doors and under cover of the night, Lights out, demure holes stitched into Jim jams with a man's got do what a woman has to comply with attitude -.like banging a rusty nail into a solid wall of concrete.
Lies lies, all bloody lies. They were at it like rabbits at Easter. Mounting each other in a frenzy of forbidden lusts, they just turned the gas light down along with the volume. Personally, I blame the books they read...
The Bagnio Miscellany is but one of many 'naughty' manifestos. Less manifesto and more romp: a bawdy, almost Georgian fiction filled with rude words and lewd deeds. Oh for the love of Mike, even my Gran's must have liked a good bit of porn?
"My dear Lais," said Lucy, "you will like our school so, we have such fun. There is a boys' school only a few doors from us, with only a garden fence and a wall between us, and the wicked rascals get from school and bring us letters, and garters, and kisses and all sorts of things, but this is only to a few of us elder girls. I know Sophy and myself can get you to be one of us. Sophy has a tall, stout Hercules, called Longcock, I have a favourite called Thickprick, and Amelia Shoveitin fancies a black-haired, rosy-cheeked Adonis, called by his school-fellows Spunky Tom, because he boasted he could bring as much again as any of them, and when you get there you must pick out one for your Quixote."
After a good deal of conversation of this kind, which my readers must be informed was not the first time we had talked on those subjects, we began romping and throwing each other down. While I was stooping to tie up my shoestring, Sophy pulled up my petticoats and gave me a smack on the bottom, for which I got Lucy to help me to have my revenge, upon which she took hold of her arms, when lifted up her petticoats, and (oh God, what a charming round little bum displayed itself) laying her across my knee, gave it her most soundly, so that her charming backside was completely rouged, additionally set off by the curly black hair of her cunt, peeping out between her snow-white thighs.
Lucy was turned up in her turn, when we took it into our heads we would see into her cunt and there we were scrutinizing and pulling about the rosy-lips, not even her little clitty escaped our admiring gaze—when she pulled down Sophy, embraced her with ecstatic delight, and, not imagining what made her little cunt and thighs so wet, I said, "You little devil, you've piddled over me. I'll pay you off!" so turning her round, I smacked her little chubby arse till my arm ached again."
Unbelievable eh? Them with their frocks buttoned to their chins and their hems touching the floor; with chemises and petticoats and lace stays all meant to prevent a chap from gaining entry when all you had to do was slip off your bloomers, hitch up your skirts and 'wham bam thank you, ma'am!' Hypocrisy is such a sweet fancy isn't it. Fortunately, for all of us, presuming we of later generations aren't all immaculate conceptions, our forebears knew a thing or two about hanky panky even if they did keep a lid on it.
The Bagnio Miscellany was originally published in 1830 but was, unsurprisingly for the times, blacklisted as being pornographic, immoral and unfit for the public to read. It was banned but reprinted some sixty years later in 1897. It makes a shockingly good read now even if it feels a little as though Michael Palin, with his 'Ripping Yarns' hat on, helped to write it.
Containing the Adventures of Miss Lais Lovecock, written by herself and what happened at Miss Twigs Academy and Afterwards. Dialogues between a Jew and a Christian, a whimsical entertainment lately performed in Dukes Place
It was no more a memoir than Fanny Hill. It was a daring, explicit rendition of what in truth is mankind's favourite pastime....bonking. What was once thought indecent is now on sale in every decent bookstore.
When we arrived Miss Twig greeted us very politely, and I thought her eyes glistened with delight when she first fixed them on me. I was rather embonpoint— my bubbies were large and firm, my arms round and beautifully white, and my buttocks as plump and enticing as any birch disciplinarian could desire; indeed I natter myself I was quite a seducing figure, cocked across her ladyship's knee.
As I was introduced by Miss Sophy, Miss Twig appointed that we should sleep altogether. Besides ourselves, in the same room, there were my friend Lady Rosecunt, Amelia Shoveitin, and another sweet girl named Emily Longslit. The governess slept with the younger girls in another room to prevent them from making a noise, but we were left by ourselves.
About the fourth night after my arrival I was awoke from a delicious dream, when I found my bedfellow's finger exploring the dark recess of my maiden cunny. I said, "Why, Sophy, what are you at? Why did you wake me?"
"Why, my dear, I did not think myself safe without knowing what gender you were, and I supposed I should find it out here,"
putting her hand upon my burning slit. "And are you sure I could not ravish you? I think you had better feel and be certain."
Understanding her, I immediately put my hand between her thighs—and, good heavens! how the lips of her little cunt were working in an out; and could they have spoken, I am sure they would have said, "Oh, how cruel!—why do you not give us what we want?—that great restorer, balmy Prick!"
I ask you, what is wrong with lustful literature? And in response using words of one syllable - nothing unless of course you are Don and Lee.
Russell Cuts the Corn From The Brewers Whiskers.