Friday, 30 May 2014

No More the So So Man (a thank you)

in the end i brought the whole business to a conclusion. not by any particular one thing i did but a series of self-destructive evisceration's that flayed the flesh from the bones of that relationship. the only thing that amazes me now is to what depths my lunacy took me and to what degrees i was prepared to go in order to facilitate my paranoia. there may be reasons but if there are they remain vague, oblique. often my attempts to explain to myself what on earth was wrong with me sound lame, false. it is though a reason, any reason would do but all i find are excuses. the god-awful posts i placed here have been either erased or saved as drafts. the unfortunate truth is though that once you commit anything to this electronic other world that message stays forever somewhere - out there.
being sorry is pointless. who are you sorry for? who am i sorry for? my wife? my children or me?
feeling sorry for yourself is a pre-conditioned reflex. it isn't until you come to terms with what or who is culpable, who really deserves your anger that you can begin to put, if not right then into context, just who to blame. 
me. us.  

my obsessiveness, that ugly need to correct, challenge the smallest of seemingly innocuous comments persists. it is how i lost the friendship of the artist formerly known as... and how i still fear putting things into black and white on Twitter or FB. those vehicles do not allow for body language or facial expressions. they merely deliver the words in a brusque, often clumsy fashion. i fear those modes of communication almost as mush as i do crowds of people. 

living here now, right now, is not living at all. drear days trapped in a hollow vacuum is brain chillingly grim. but life goes on as it must. there is a tomorrow. now all i have to do is find it and find it i will.

hopefully, the past two years has seen me fighting back in a manner that does not have me bleating about me but writing about those things that brought, and still bring, me joy. thanks to all those sweet people who have increased my page-views by 40,000 in the last six months. thanks for reading me.

1 comment:

Vanessa V Kilmer said...

You are not alone, Russell. I share most of the feelings you've expressed here. (I write in a paper journal to keep most of my really yucky stuff from public view. I hope I have the strength to burn them before I die.)