Tuesday, 28 May 2013

Mutt, Jeff and Cousin Mal A Propism (Living with Mum 18)



Conversations with Mum sometimes are more surreal than seeing Dali in a Tutu baring chicken legs. Things said often go unheard or misinterpreted. Other things said seem often twisted as though accepted wisdoms have taken a hike across a swampy quagmire only to be sucked down into its boggy depths before being regurgitated  It is a strange choreography we dance. A disjointed ballet with knees bending, elbows jerking as we skirt issues, avoiding subjects that cause offence. History is taboo. When I enquire why I am told 'they' make it all up.  Obviously not the Bible then eh?  I am also told 'not to live in the past..'  The subject of the monarchy  of whom I am ambivalent about although I confess to rather liking the Queen, is a minefield best crossed wearing heavy body armour. Mention of Diana is greeted with stony face especially if I say I found her refreshing and that she was hugely popular. The silence is that of a Nun having been given a vibrator with batteries - just not the done thing.
Here are some of the odd exchanges we have had…

1.      Do you like the DVD Mum?” -  “No thanks son I'm full up.”

2.      “I have opened the blinds in the dining room so as to let air in but have left the windows closed so you don’t catch cold.”  - "Thanks?"

3.      “Why did God create dinosaurs, we never had the chance to eat them?”

4.      More tea Mum?” -  “Not since I saw her last week.”

5.      “Do animals enjoy sex?” – “I would think so.” – “I saw your cousin recently, she was looking really happy.”

6.      “So then son, what VD do you want for your birthday?”

7.      It is perishing cold out mum, my bits are freezing.” – “Put them in the fridge son so they won’t go off.”

8.      “I really must water the garden before it rains again.”

9.    "Sue from the butchers married somebody. She once was a policeman's wife. He went off with someone else. They had three daughters. It was disgusting. She inherited a lot of money."

10.  "Cup of tea son?" - "Yes, please." - "Son, do you want a cup of tea?" - "Yes please, Mum!" - "I SAID DO YOU WANT A CUP OF TEA SON?!" - "Oh, for fuck's sake. YES PLEASE MUM, THANKS!" - "I will thank you not to use that sort of language in my house!"

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all words and art are copyright © of Russell 'C.J' Duffy.To view my books on Amazon/Kindle go here: https://www.amazon.com/author/russellduffy -- For another side of CJ go here: sOMeThiNg For tHE wEeKeND, SiR?

10 comments:

Roger Stevens said...

Number ten made me laugh aloud. Last night Jill told her father (deaf) she was going to funeral today of friend's mother who tried of Alzheimers. Her said "pork sandwiches?"

thecheesewhines said...

My mother's usual is to complain about homosexuals and money. I'm glad that I was able to escape for a while today.

BlackEmpress said...

This is hilarious! Enthralled with your sarcastic streak!

Shimmerrings said...

So funny! I'm now caregiver for my mother. She's had some issues with confusion, lately. I do truly feel that "oh for fucks sake" ... especially when her brain has her talking jibberish, and she can hear what she's saying and knows it's not what she means to say, yet can do nothing about it, all the while I am feeling like I'm trying to figure out charades in a foreign language... this morning I was trying to get her to stop from falling over while I was bathing her... she said, "who do you think you are!" I looked at her and said, "well, who do you think you are?" ... to which she very firmly replied, "I'm Mildred Barton!"... then she asked, "and who are you?" ... I said, "Jackie Onassis!" She fell over laughing.

Shimmerrings said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Russell Duffy said...

Roger>>>Maybe 'pork sandwiches' is code, A bit like 'brown bread' (which would make more sense!)Maybe that was what he was trying to say, couldn't think of what forms a sandwich, that is bread, so just called out the content. No? Ah well, I tried.

Russell Duffy said...

thecheesewines>>>Mine too and about the same damn things. Queers and cash. One there are too many off and the other not enough (apparently)

Russell Duffy said...

shimmerings>>> That is one hell of job description - caregiver. It must be one of the hardest tasks a son or daughter undertake. Thanks for dropping by.

Russell Duffy said...

BlackEmpress>>>And all true too!

Vanessa V Kilmer said...

The Dali chicken legs won't leave my mind.

Dealing with elderly parents can be very funny (after the fact.)