Thursday, 14 February 2013

Spiders, Senility and Service with a Smile (Living With Mum 3)

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Mum has a house keeper once a week. The ladies name is Dawn. She beetles about like a bluebottle, (that is Dawn not me Mum) duster in one hand, vacuum in the other. VROOOMM! VROOOMM!  There am I, trying desperately to woe clients via telephone amid a flurry of dust accompanied by a sonic assault on the senses. For two hours all thoughts of cold calling are put on hold. Trying to talk to prospective clients whilst a blitzkrieg batters my ears is nigh impossible. The need for a weekly cleaner is superfluous with me living here but I keep my trap shut. Joyce, a neighbour, arrived with Mum’s pension then promptly settled down in a comfy seat with tea and ginger nuts. Not that I am suggesting Joyce has anything but normal female genitalia but she does like a good biscuit.
This week a spider was spotted. Not a large beast by arachnid standards, quite small in fact, but you would have thought some primeval monster had crept out from the wainscoting threatening life and well-being.  Women leapt up, well, not so much leapt with two of ‘em being in their late eighties as much as creaked out of their chairs, pointing fingers and flapping hankies.

Dawn was dispatched (I always use I for that word but I think E is also acceptable) with hoover nozzle primed. The spider though with all those eyes fixed on the hominids prancing about like a horde of chimps scuttled away sharpish. An awful hullabaloo commenced as chairs were moved then sofa lifted. The eight legged creature had the foresight to hide beneath the sturdy bookcase in the corner. No one could be arsed to shift that heavy piece of furniture so the hairy animal found temporary sanctuary.
What is it with mankind and spiders that has intelligent folk behaving like lunatics?.
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"As if I'd even hurt so much as a fly!"

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all words and art are copyright © of Russell 'C.J' Duffy.To view my books on Amazon/Kindle go here: https://www.amazon.com/author/russellduffy -- For another side of CJ go here: sOMeThiNg For tHE wEeKeND, SiR?

4 comments:

The Real Cie said...

When I was a child, we lived in New Mexico. We were rather poor at the time, and cockroaches the size of school buses and black widow spiders the size of a commuter plane often got into the house. My brother, who is now a firefighter, well over 6 feet tall and weighs in at about 250 pounds, most of it muscle, developed quite a phobia of spiders. That actually makes sense, as a black widow spider can kill a person. Me, I'd rather have tangled with a black widow than one of those roaches any day. To this day, I'm still really squeamish when it comes to six legged insects.

Russell Duffy said...

The Real Cie>>>My son, an ex-Royal Marine Commando, one of the fighting elite apparently, cannot abide spidres!

Vanessa V Kilmer said...

Spiders are just so sneaky, all quiet and carnivorous.

I take it, Joyce is a true red head.

Russell Duffy said...

Nessa>>>As she is slightly older than me I shall not be finding out!