This is it. Day one. The first day of many. The farewell to the past. The grand hello to the now. This blog is seven years old. This blog is one day new. History fades with memory. Today cleanses all. Words fall like leaves. Once they left bruises now they turn to ruin. My life is now, today. One day at a time.

I recall my heart attack in 2004. It was my fiftieth birthday. Love had turned to rust. Expressions of affection rang false. Words of apology turned to ash in my mouth. Recrimination is pointless, draining. Where once there was hurt there now  is a lesson learnt. I am still learning and still making mistakes. Emily, her face tear stained, imploring me to fight it. Nurses and Doctors floating like mist behind a glass wall. Morphine bleached the pain and persuaded Morpheus to release sleep.

I remember the following year, 2005. It was close to Christmas. Jamie and I in a car, me crying. Desperately trying to hold it together in front of my son. Failing miserably. My world had collapsed into panic and all I was capable of was pacing the floor wrapped in a duvet. Depression was a gift for the weak or so I thought. The panic attacks were depressions foot soldiers. My confidence had evaporated. I couldn’t function. I still don’t, not fully. It lasted for eight long years and probably began a lot earlier than I care to admit. My confidence is still an issue. Much easier to blame others than accept responsibility.

I am the stereotypical lone wolf. In my case this is not a cliché. I dislike crowds and always have. I don’t do arenas. I do not understand football fans. The instinct of the pack animal is lost on me even if I do like other peoples company. I love with a passion but not without reserve. I have never hated anyone unless it is my self.

Self pitying? I am too angry for that even though my anger is with me. I seek for solace, for peace, for love and for an end to this vile war with myself that hurts those around me.

In love I  have only ever loved once. ‘Arjay are one as one within me, like sun to sky, like leaf to tree.’ Love is fickle like friendship. It waxes and wanes. It has a fragile ego. I have witnessed three suicide attempts and each time my heart has hurt. I stood at the foor of a hospital bed like a stranger in a dream. Watched reluctantly as my pathetic nature with its remorseless fear and self loathing ran riot and roughshod over those near to me.

Diazepam curls you into a small ball that settles snuggly into the palm of Dream It is a sneak thief who robs you of any true ability to deal with the real issues. I threw the contents of the bottle down the toilet then pulled the chain. The savage mood swings continue. Sudden panic still erupts.

This is it. Day one. Onwards, forever onwards.

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all words and art are copyright © of Russell 'C.J' Duffy. For another side of CJ go here: sOMeThiNg For tHE wEeKeND, SiR?