Death and its proximity encourage you to review your life with a close scrutiny. My life has been at times filled with all the wrong things, bad emotions and negative karma. Since 2009 I have been analysing my place here; the reason for my existence. Of course the answer is simple – pure random luck, a coupling of two people who exchanged bodily fluids that fertilised and finally produced me. You are born, you live, you pay your taxes then you die. I have no worries on that score whatsoever. Nature sets the rules and I follow its lead as best I can tempering those rules with a human morality that includes love, peace and tolerance. Being human and frail I sometimes struggle but that is also Tao, that is fine and I do my best. My mother’s need for a god is easy to disparage but that misses the point entirely. It really doesn’t matter what focuses you in the search for goodness. Tao is God and God is nature. They are one and the same thing even if the idea of having a deity is just a little too much like superstition for my liking. I still want to incorporate my search for spirituality into my writing. Taking the lead from the Essex Wilful Walks and expanding on those precepts. I recently E-mailed Susan, an American blog friend in the hope of starting an online magazine. Sadly I have heard nothing.




Hi Susan,


I hope you are well and life is being good to you. I still miss those ‘Spilled to Bloodlessness’ days.


I should, at this point, apologise for the delay in responding to the message you put on your blog. So without going to the bother of writing about recent events, and like any normal bone idle man, I have cut and pasted an E-mail I sent to the illustrator working on my books. Hopefully, it goes some way to explain the delay.


Work still crazy but that is the norm. Working stupidly long hours. Book five underway. Car on its last legs with no means of having it serviced. Jasmine been out of work now for near on three months. She fortunately found and started new job on 16.01.12. No money at all and life is suddenly very hard. All of which is the least of my concerns. Just under a fortnight ago Mum became unwell complaining of an upset stomach. Doctor arrived Friday 06.01.12 and diagnosed gastroenteritis. I stayed with her Friday and Saturday watching as she grew worse, emptying buckets of vomit. Her nausea grew worse and she started throwing up a brown smelly liquid. It turned out to be faecal vomiting. On Sunday 08.01.12 I dialled 999. A paramedic arrived, took Mum’s stats and reaffirmed doctors’ diagnosis. By Monday 07.01.12 Mum’s condition had grown really bad. Her regular nurse who cares for her COPD arrived and called an ambulance and she was rushed into hospital.


When arrived doctors again reaffirmed it was gastroenteritis but had her X-Rayed. She was badly constipated so they gave her an enema. It didn’t work. Further tests revealed that scar tissue from her bowel cancer operation had created a blockage. Effectively her own shit was poisoning her. Emergency, lifesaving surgery was performed and Mum was then put into Critical care. On Friday last, 13.01.12 Jasmine and Jaime visited and were told by doctor that Mum had a fifty fifty chance of making it. The weekend was hell but she seems to have turned the corner. She joined your Uncle briefly in the barmy barracks as she spoke a lot of nonsense but this was due to the morphine and the toxins flowing through her system.


Still not good but hopefully recovering in High Dependency Unit.


So then, following Christmas, trying to get my books published on Kindle, working like the proverbial beaver for Pfizer and then my Mum goes and gets sick! She is far better now but I am still visiting her every night.


Now then, what was this idea I had for us to collaborate on? I guess it comes from my personal search for growth and spiritually. Like you I am a big fan of George Harrison. I loved the way he was always searching to be better yet fully aware of his own failings.


Sometime ago I started a blog called “Whispering Grass.” It was meant to be, and I think succeeded as, an all-embracing voice of spirituality combining as it did a multitude of quotes from equally as many faiths and belief systems. I then wrote a series of chapbooks that finally were put up onto ISSUU. They were titled “The Wilful Walks of Russell Duffy” and were a journal come essay on my walks around the county of my birth – Essex. They also gave forth on my own failings, my marriage break-up and my desire to be a better, fuller human being.


This led me to think of producing perhaps a magazine or even a book that, like the blog, presents all faiths as being positive forces of good. I think this old Hindu saying sums it up best:


"There are hundreds of paths up the mountain, all leading in the same direction, so it doesn't matter which path you take. The only one wasting time is the one who runs around and around the mountain, telling everyone else that their path is wrong."






In a world filled with pain, ignorance, famine and foolhardy egos I simply wanted to create a broad church that forged some kind of common link between faiths. Nothing new in this I guess but that was and still is my desire. Not sure how to go about it or even if an online magazine would be better than a Kindle book. I also thought instantly of you as you always seemed to be a kindred spirit in your beliefs. I am not Christian nor am I Hindu. I can’t remember which famous author said it but this is my paraphrased version – “I am a Pagan, Buddhist, Taoist Confucian.” At the end of the day we are all one no matter how we perceive God and I want to somehow capture that essence and put it into words.


Initially I conceptualised the project as a 24 to 28pp magazine with essays written by various individuals from different faith groups. I thought this mag could have features on important historical people such as Jesus, Confucius, Alan Watts and a number of other note worthies. We could also go into detail on the faith itself, blowing away any misconceived ideas that some people harbour over certain religions – Islam being a perfect contemporary example. I guess I feel a bit like John Lennon here knowing I have a good idea but in my heart knowing I cannot achieve it on my own as I really don’t know where to start.


The other option is to work in close collaboration with you on a book, a book that would be the modern equivalent of Tao Te Ching, a book filled with our thoughts, our essays cobbled together with various quotes from the wise and wonderful men that have enriched our lives: Morihei Ueshiba, Laozi, Mohammed, Acharya Swami Pranabananda etc.


I am up for any thoughts you have so let me know when you can. If I don’t respond straight away it is because I am sitting with my Mum. I will get back to you as soon as I can.


Fingers crossed that we can do something together.


All the best,


Russell (aka cocaine jesus)



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all words and art are copyright © of Russell 'C.J' Duffy. For another side of CJ go here: sOMeThiNg For tHE wEeKeND, SiR?