Wednesday, 20 March 2019

In The Now



Breathe I tell myself. Breathe.
Each intake of breath fills my lungs. As I exhale I smile.
I feel good now and have for weeks. I am calmer and more at peace with myself than I have been for months. Yes, I feel good. Very good. Loved-up and happy.
I have no regrets except maybe one. You infrequently find the one you know is your soul-mate and when you do you should hold on to that one for the finding of a life's partner, someone you feel as if you have known for many lives over, throughout the course of time, is rare. Such feelings are perhaps pure nonsense but all the same the size and weight of the emotion you feel, that sense of discovering the other half of your sky is wonderous. I did and then I didn't. The mind being both hero and villain when allowed free reign. It feeds you all manner of nonsense at times. You think things, fear things, the future from the past that all rationality is forgotten. 
Breathe I tell myself. Breathe.
I breathe. 
Each breath holds me here. Opens up the now and as I smile I know I am alive. Held firmly in the hollow hand of the present. I cannot nor do I want to predict the future. Let it be. It will be whatever it might be. The universe is as unfolding as it should be.
She's there. She always will be even if not in my arms, even if not holding my hand. She is there.
Breathe I tell myself. Breathe.


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Russell Cuts the Corn From The Brewers Whiskers.

Saturday, 16 March 2019

Fear and Loathing



Friday gone, a terrorist walked into a mosque in Christchurch, New Zealand and shot at innocent Muslim's gathered in worship. Last known numbers of the dead had risen to 49. I suspect there will be more.The media have branded the killer, whose name may be Brenton Tarrant,  far right. What I find odd is that Daesh,  a terrorist group purporting to be Islamic who are anything but, is also far right. Fear of the other, of what the perceived 'they' might do or what threat 'they' pose is irrational. 'Might be' is unmindful, it bases its phobia's on something that might happen. It is not the now, not living in the present moment but fear of some future possibility. 

"Fear is not a trivial matter. In many ways, it restricts our lives; it imprisons us. Fear is also a tool of oppression. Because of fear, we do many harmful things, individually and collectively, and people who are hungry for power over others know that and exploit it. We can be made to do things out of fear." - Judith Lief

One of the causes of fear is humankind's insistence of labelling everything. Political labelling, societal labelling, class labelling, religious labelling. Such labels are nonsense. Once you declare yourself to be of the right or Christian, or middle-class you create division. Once a group is formed be it political or religious division arises. There is no need to create these groups. If you want to follow the ways of Jesus of Nazareth because you see wisdom in the man's teachings then through your life strive to be like him. There is no need to join a group, a religious sect simply live the way you feel The Christ would have lived. You do not need organised anything. Just be yourself. 

Much of our suffering and life is filled with suffering as individuals and in our societies, is caused by fear. Irattional fear which so easily turns to hate. Hate turns to rage which turns to violence and so the suffering of the individual continues as does that of the society we live in. The right is riddled with fear, fear and loathing of that they do not understand. Daesh and the Ku Klux Klan or The English Defence League are made of the same building blocks the major one being fear. The weak seek leaders, strong leaders. Someone they see as having the strength they lack. The Meek need only themselves for they take responsibility for their own actions and they fear nothing. The weak manipulate those they seek as followers. The meek seek only to change themselves for by changing yourself, being responsible for yourself, you change the world.

"“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” Siddartha Gautama (Lord Buddha).

Brenton Tarrant is not better than those he fears. Brenton Tarrant is no different from Osama Bin Laden. Both men were governed by fear, by rage, by hatred. Extremists are ruled by fear and they seek to rule by fear. You should fear nothing that hasn't happened. Live in the moment, not the might be.

The heinous crimes and the murders that were part of the atrocity performed by Brenton Tarrant were caused by irrational fear. Brenton and like-minded others fear their lives will be irrevocably changed, their culture removed and replaced by another. What utter drivel. I am what I is and there is nothing that can change that. I am not a Christian or a Muslim. I am not Buddhist or Jain. Wisdom is not found in books nor organised groups. How can humankind be organised? Wisdom does not fear change. Embrace change for life is constantly in flux. Embracing change doesn't mean you have to change. Go with the flow but remain true to yourself. Islam is not a threat. Christians are not a threat. Extremists are the only threat.  


 

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Russell Cuts the Corn From The Brewers Whiskers.

Monday, 11 March 2019

Living With The Junior Jays - The fascination with my Penis



It would be about a year ago when Jacob and Joshua burst into the bathroom flinging the door so violently open I thought the tiles were either going to break or come falling off the wall in fragments. The boys were naked apart from each wearing their wellies. I think Americans may call them either rubber boots or goloshes. I was in the shower at the time washing all my bits and pieces. It wasn't the manner of their entry that bothered me but the way they pointed at my genitalia then started laughing uproariously. I have never felt so inadequate in all my life.

On another occasion, as I was about to dress having already carried out my ablutions, the boys crashed into my bedroom. Seeing me naked again you would assume that having previously seen a big boys meat and two veg the boys wouldn't be surprised at the sight. Not the case. Jacob started using my shrinking member as a punching bag making me jerk backwards. As he did so Joshua, the little wag, shoved his forefinger up my rear end making cold contact with my sphincter. I instantly jerked forward where Jacob repeated his act of willy bashing. Had anyone of my neighbours been able to see through my window the site that would have greeted them was of a chap jerking and thrusting as though engaged in a carnal act with an invisible amour. The boys you see aren't yet tall enough to be seen above the window sill.

Recently, again whilst showering, Jacob rushed into the en-suite naked declaring he needed to poo. As with all three and half-year-olds, releasing one's bowels of their load does not present a problem, wiping one's bottom does. There was I, covered head to tail in suds when Jacob announced he had concluded his pooing asking my assistance in wiping said bottom. I quickly rinsed off , stepped out of the cubicle and grabbed a handful of tissue. Now the process when helping one's grandson clean himself, usually I am dressed for this operation, is for him to place his head between my knees ad I apply toilet roll to his tiny backside. Again, had anyone been able to view the scene they would have seen a young naked boy bent over with head dangerously near my genitals whilst a naked ageing chap was poking around his 'arris.'  However, there was some good that came out of this as Jacob, head bent and gazing at my thankfully clean penis, said "Cracker's, you've got a big willy!"

My self-image restored I patted the head of the boy and told him how good he was.
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Russell Cuts the Corn From The Brewers Whiskers.

Wednesday, 27 February 2019

Self Awareness - The Hard Truth

"TRYING TO DEFINE YOURSELF IS LIKE TRYING TO BITE YOUR OWN TEETH."

I'm looking for a fallback or maybe a way out. The only way out is found within, a hard place to begin when you are looking for your life, looking for your self, for the real you. Self-examination can be brutal with its truth. You cannot turn away, cannot turn a blind eye to the faults you have. Single out the bad. Bring out the good. Who cares what others think? Change you for you.

Aggressive.
Easy going.
Passive.
Loving.
Arrogant.
Humble.
Shy.
Confident.
Affable.
Aloof.
Sociable.
Lone Wolf
Kind.
Intolerant.
Very tolerant.
Passionate about life.
Generous.
Reasonable.
I am many things and more.
I'm here again, a man with a child inside. All is in balance. Recognising my faults is like ticking a box, a small box of negative and positive attributes. I can practise the positive. The only person I can change in this life is myself.  Not the self, not the I, not the collected sense of memory, of history or identification with who we think we are but the self we cannot see or grasp for what in reality is 'the self?'  "The last thing a fish know's about is water."
I'm here again.



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Russell Cuts the Corn From The Brewers Whiskers.

Monday, 25 February 2019

Life With The Lump 12 - End Game



Today at 15.15 I attended the E.N.T clinic. This may sound odd but when you think about it having had throat cancer the connection becomes obvious. I was examined by Mister Philpot. I always get confused by what difference there is between a doctor and a mister. Now it has finally sunk in. Mister is the surgeon and surgeon it was today. First, he examined my neck looking for lumps of bumps and finding none declared my neck to be fine. He then got me to open my mouth wide whilst he stuck those 'lollipop' sticks against my tongue and requested I make that old Ahhhh sound which I did. 'Nothing there' he said to which I replied 'good, glad to hear it.' Finally, he threaded his tiny rubberised camera up my left nostril until it hung over the area where the lump was first seen. 'Absolutely fine.' He declared proferring me his right hand to shake which I did. He smiled at me and I smiled back. One day something will kill me as it will us all. Be it old age, my diabetes, my heart or, like my father, his older sister and his mother, by a stroke. I have had three now. All that though is nothing but a series of possibilities none of which have any bearing on now, the present. I don't worry about what might be. I am alive now and the one thing this whole episode has taught me is to live in the now. Prior to my cancer, I played at Mindfulness, presenting myself as of having discovered something that elevated me spiritually. Now, I am not playing. Meditation and mindfulness when properly practised lead to awareness. I no longer seek to impress although I think I was guilty of doing that before being diagnosed with throat cancer. The only person I seek to convince now is me and what joy I now feel each and every day. The only person I seek to change is me for I cannot change another. The lump is gone. Life goes on. All is right in the world. 
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Russell Cuts the Corn From The Brewers Whiskers.

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A Utility Fish Shed Blog

A Utility Fish Shed Blog